i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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