And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
