She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
