Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
