Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
