He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
