I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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