cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
