Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
