so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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