I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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