Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
