how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
