I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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