The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
