Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
