so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
