youre lurking in front of me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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