She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
