We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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