I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
