she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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