can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
