I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
