Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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