Tell her she can't have a vagina
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
