I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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