Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
