Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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