When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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