I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
