if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
thus making me awesome and them whores
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
