Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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