I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
