She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
