I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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