He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
