allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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