She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
