Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
So. Much. Porn.
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