I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I didn't notice because vodka
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
