life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
