i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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