I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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