Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
