Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
