Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
