There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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