Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
