New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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