Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
