I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
