im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
